That's what you tell yourself
by pamy
Summary: You did everything you could. There is no reason to feel guilt. At least that's what you tell yourself. Dick POV. One shot. Please read and review.


**This story came to mind when I was watching the first episode of the third season. It's from Dick's POV. I know this is probably completely out of charecter for him. But i always thought that a part of him must have known that something was wrong with his brother. Please Review. Pretty please? I'm from Belgium so enligsh is my third language. **

**Don't own Veronica Mars. Never have. Never will. (If it was mine I wouldn't have canceled it.)**

* * *

You never think about it.

There was never a reason you should. You've had many drunken nights. There is no reason why this one should be different. It's not like she really mattered. It's not like you care about her. It's not like something happened. Nothing happened. At least that's what you tell yourself. At least that's what you tell the world.

Nothing happened.

He's Beaver. Just Beaver. Your little brother. He didn't do anything. He couldn't have. He's not capable of that. You knew this from the beginning. It's the only reason why you pushed him into that room. The only reason why you left her there. With him.

Nothing happened.

Somewhere deep down inside you know there is something wrong. You know. Because you have to convince yourself. You have to keep telling yourself noting happened. Because a part of you simply knows. But you choose to ignore that part.

Because it's so much easier to believe in the lie.

Nothing happened.

* * *

On Monday you are confronted with the truth. When you see Veronica it is suddenly not that simple to believe in the lie anymore. It's much easier to deny the truth if you don't have any prove. But she is different. She is broken.

Not even you can deny that.

A part of you wants to confront Beaver. Make him tell you the truth. Make him tell the world. Save Veronica (You don't even know why). But you are to afraid. Afraid that he tells you that he did do it. Afraid that he tells you that he didn't do it. Because if he does it won't matter what you believe.

You'll believe the lie.

You keep seeing Veronica everywhere she goes. You keep excepting her to ask questions. She never does. You remember she was really out of it. Maybe she doesn't remember. Perhaps that would be better. You see Beaver everywhere to. But the words never come.

You never ask.

* * *

When she asks you about that party you feel a part of you freeze. You don't want to be confronted with that night. You don't want to think about it. You have spend so long denying it happened. Forgetting that night. Why does she have to bring it up now?

She should just let it rest.

But you know she won't. And you know she has a right on the truth. But you don't know the truth. You only know the lie. Nothing happened. It has become a mantra. Something you hold onto to. Nothing happened;

You need the truth.

And you don't need the truth. You want to know. And you also don't want to know. It's so much easier to keep going the way you are going. But you force yourself to follow her. Up until the moment she meets Beaver. And then you listen.

You need the truth.

But how do you know what the truth is? How do you know what the lie is? You never used to wonder about these things. You wonder why that night changed everything. Why you think like this. He's Beaver. He's your brother. He didn't do anything.

And yet you wonder.

When you hear him swear that he didn't touch her you smile. It's like a weight falls of your shoulders. You mentally kick yourself for ever believing he could. You turn around and walk away. No need to think about it anymore. No need to worry anymore.

Nothing happened.

And you ignore the feeling. You ignore that small part of you. That part that tells you that something did happen. But you ignore it. It's so much easier to believe nothing happened. Now that he has denied it. Veronica keeps searching for the truth. But you stick with the one you know. You keep waiting for her to come back.

She never asks anymore questions.

* * *

After you graduate you are finally confronted with the truth. You can't deny it anymore. It's all on the tape. (Not a video tape. Just their voices.) But it's enough. You can't deny it anymore. There's proof. And yet you still do.

It's so much easier to believe the lie.

In the distance you hear the sheriff assuring you everything will be ok. The tape will never get out. You are the only one to ever hear it. You remember the Lilly Kane tape. You remember how they promised that one wouldn't get out. But it did.

You wonder if that would be so wrong.

You walk home in a haze. You don't notice anything around you. You sit in your house with a bottle of scotch next to you. And you wonder where all your friends are. None of them have shown up. That's when you realize for the first time that you never really had friends.

It's so much easier to believe the lie.

So what do you do when you have to believe the truth?

* * *

You're still sitting on the same couch. You haven't moved in days. You keep seeing his face. Everywhere you go. You know the truth now. You can't deny it anymore. A part of you always knew. A part of you never denied it. You never listened to that part.

You should have listened.

You can't close your eyes. You are afraid of the nightmares. Afraid of the memories. But you can't fight sleep forever. You can't stay awake either. You keep hearing their voices.

'_You raped me!'_

It's the worst thing you ever heard. That's what you thought at the moment. Veronica finally spoke out loud what you always knew. But she sounded so broken. So not like the strong person you knew. You think that's the worst you're going to hear. But ever worse is Beavers cold answer.

'_And Dick still thinks I'm a virgin.'_

It's the worst thing you ever heard.

* * *

You can't fall asleep because you're afraid of the nightmares. You can't stay awake because you're afraid of the voices. Afraid of the memories. So you drink. You drink until you can't remember a thing anymore. You can't be hurt by what you don't remember.

You wonder if it could have been different.

Maybe if you had seen the truth. Maybe if you had seen a little boy that was hurt. Maybe if you had seen that that coach had done something wrong to him. Instead of thinking he was just hurt because he wasn't allowed to play much. If you had only seen the truth.

Could it have been different?

Could you have saved them? Maybe if you had seen the truth you could have saved your brother. Maybe you could have saved Veronica. And everyone on that buss. Maybe you could have saved yourself.

But it was so much easier to believe the lie.

* * *

You never think about it.

You try to forget what happened. You try to deny you ever had a brother. You never see your supposed friends again. You never look for them either. You forget the world around you. You drink until you can't remember who you are anymore. And when you start to remember you drink again.

You are a mess. And you know it.

You ignore the feeling. That sinking feeling deep inside of you that you should look for Veronica. That you should apologize to her. You don't know why you feel this. You never go to Beaver's grave. You have no need to see him. You never had a brother.

You keep believing in lies instead of the truth.

* * *

You don't have to apologize to Veronica Mars. It was him who did this to her. You did nothing wrong. You did everything you could. There was no way you could have done more. You could have never saved him.

You did nothing wrong. There is no reason to feel guilty.

At least that's what you tell yourself.


End file.
